Winding Down The Window

I'm traveling along and roll down the window

My head is pushed back and the wind hits my face

It's cold and wakes me up

It's where I am

The heater struggles to keep me warm and the radio is barely audible but I can't pull my head back in

The hissing - it's deafening!

The wind and my ears are screaming at one another

Rushing inside

The shell of my ear

Memories of conversation

Mum and Dad pile us in and I get the window seat

My ears might come off

My eyes might pop!

Tears run down my face, drying before they fall

My hand flies through it

I see the world pushing past

I'm inside it

Everything through me

Connected

It's personal

A private moment while Mum and Dad sort things out

Everything happens now

Thoughts disappear and the world rushes in

Complete

Held

Whispers scream

The cold heats my blood

Alone with everything - my hand surfs - strokes

Where am I?

A Course In Miracles

I'm still plugging away through the questions in A course In Miracles.

I'm amazed this material has escaped my attention for so long. Compiled through the 70's by Helen Schucman and William Thetford it works beautifully with the building blocks of consciousness.

I am asked to entertain thoughts about meaninglessness and meaning and through this process discover the Miracle of life. The mind is observed thereby creating an opportunity to free it from attachment to thoughts and ideas. Like I said it is all new to me but it speaks powerfully - I'm excited to see where this Course will take me next.

Simple exercises that require no more than a minute each time ask that you only observe what is around you - not to think on it but look. Each move to the next exercise is another small step forward. It's a gradual building of awareness. Nothing is expected other than your full attention each minute you work. You cannot spend anymore than the time allocated and must move on each time.

There's a trust element within this. Answers are not what drives it forward - only discoveries.

I've long bashed myself around for answers. Always hoped that something would appear before me to lift the cloud that has been with me since childhood.

I remember the anxiety that enveloped me in those early years when I separated myself from the world. When I became independent of it. My family was the first to give me that sensation of being alone. Everything I thought was connected suddenly wasn't and I knew from then on in I would have to forge ahead without others to tell me who I was.

Of course I am still in conflict. Still alone. But I now, after many years of reading and experiencing life, feel connected again. The family I felt abandoned me began to reemerge with the knowing that we are all family - all alone. All together. All one.

A Course In Miracles is another chapter in this journey to becoming aware. I feel my family close again in the world about me. In my thoughts and anxiety. They are part of the journey and all of us can know that that is what we are here for. To journey and discover our selves. To be connected to the world through a power so complete and perfect that all we have to do is wake up and see it. Experience it.

For The First Time

I have just begun 'A Course In Miracles'. It's a very long 365 day work sheet with 1 lesson to be practiced each day - though not necessarily everyday.

It's only lesson 8 (357 days to go) but so far each task has been concerned with observing how the mind operates and identifies with images and thoughts.

The premise is that my mind knows nothing of the world it sees. It constantly associates everything it sees with past information. Because of this I never truly see what is before me - now.

I assume this is referring to the 'tagging' that I do once I am told what things are. This is a tree. That is grass. Nothing that I observe is exempt from this habit.

Even if I fail to recognise something I still associate it with something similar from my memory data until it's properly identified. For a minute there I thought that cat was a rock until it moved.

How is it possible to see something for the first time every time?

It's a strange question to ask when everything I see is actually seen for the first time every time. No matter how many times I see the same object nothing is the same from moment to moment.

I am seeing every thing for the first time from the second I enter the world until I leave.

I believe suffering in life is manifest of my frustration at not realising this truth. Experiencing it! I am left always wanting.

If I may digress for a moment.... Much of the power associated with mind altering drugs such as LSD is what allows users to experience seeing things for the first time.

I'm not advocating the use of drugs. LSD is toxic and prevents us from operating in the world but none the less those Doors Of Perception can be tapped upon.

I experimented with similar LSD substances many years ago and still recall how life appeared to emanate from within the objects I laid eyes on. Of course I understand that my mind was under manipulation but that does not mean the light I experienced was also manipulated.

I believe that light I saw all those years ago is the very same light I seek from within myself, others, every thing. The light is always present and is what allows me to see every thing for the first time. I can't take my eyes from the light. It is us.

Memories

Painful memories are often allowed to interfere with the joy of living. They can create untold suffering - unless you decide otherwise.

By this I mean, until you realise the past doesn't exist and memories are ultimately meaningless, they can have enormous influence over your peace of mind and happiness.

You could argue that the impact is very real and take offence at the notion that memories are meaningless. Of course they aren't meaningless. Look at my life!

You could argue that because the misery is real then so is the memory.

But I am not talking about the misery. The suffering that ensues from memories are not the memories themselves. One does not quantify the other.

You may have been abused or abandoned in the past but the suffering and impact on your life today is not because of the memories - it is because of YOU. If you choose to attach yourself and identify with the past then you will experience it again and again. And that will continue to have an impact now.

The past can appear incredibly powerful only because the dreamer gives it that power. Realising this can be liberating but it can also be terrifying. You may have become so identified with the past that to accept it as meaningless can leave a massive void in your world.

So much orbits around old memories that when you finally accept their insignificance you suddenly feel disconnected. That which you recognised yourself through disappears and takes your identity with it.

The distress of losing such an anchor is a paradox. To connect with life you must first disconnect from everything else. The fear of losing an anchor is necessary until you realise it is what holds you to the suffering.

Investigate your thoughts, try to identify memories anchored in suffering. Search for them. Observe them. As they appear recognise them for what they are. Nothing but shadows.

I'm not suggesting you try to forget everything but to recognise the past, accept it and then release it every time it appears.

Good or bad memories have no power over life - unless of course you decide otherwise.

Painful Bodies

I think it's fantastic that so many people are now tapping into and sharing the positive energy of life.

I do, however, want to hear from those who continue to struggle in and out of joy and suffering. I want to hear from those who find themselves slipping back into the shadows - who can't find consistency and still live with fear.

Why does this persist for so many?

Why do we spin out of control every so often?

I've heard that recurring suffering occurs when bad experiences from the past are kept alive in the mind then brought forward into the present to be re-experienced again and again.

Eckhart Tolle describes this as Pain Bodies. Emotional memories stored in the body and triggered by the ego when it needs sustenance. By feeding itself through conflict the ego remains separated from the rest of the world - from reality.

It needs this separation so it can identify itself. It can't survive outside of isolation. It must have boundaries. It must be special. Someone must be wrong so it can be right.

In short, the ego reinstates itself when it feels it's very existence is under threat.

This perhaps explains why so many sabotage happiness. It's just thier old mate Ego reminding them who is boss.

I believe this to be true but also difficult to identify.

Tolle gives a comical example of the Pain Body by using relationships as the playing field. He talks about conflict between couples where particular buttons are pushed and how we automatically respond like robots. Partners know exactly where these buttons are and the pain is easily located. Once they are pushed we are like puppets on a string, dancing on cue.

It's a comical image and a ridiculous situation. Even so it's tragic and the suffering that entails is no laughing matter.

It's embarrassing when one becomes aware of this reaction in themselves and how long it has controlled their lives. Is it any wonder that it becomes difficult to discuss. Falling for the same trick half your life is not easy to share with yourself let alone anyone else.

Even so, I want this blog to address the issue and open up a dialogue about those triggers found in the Pain Body. After all it can't be as painful discussing it as actually experiencing it. And I can only assume recognising the Pain Body within ourselves is just another blow to the ego.

Baby

I have an 8 month old daughter and still can't believe it.

I have no doubt she influences the way I see myself and others.

I struggle with the present moment - only ever managing to remain in it for short periods. But Ava (my little girl) lives there continuously. Never anywhere else but here.

I stand before her in amazement. It's a natural state. One we're born with. A child will make that clear.

I wonder how she will move into the world. How will she see herself? Like the rest of us I suppose, imperfect and in need of something.

This is not a cynical point of view only an observation. No one beyond the age of innocence has not moved into self doubt.

Everyone travels out of consciousness and then back. It's how we fill our lives.

And so my little girl thrills me every day with a smile so deep it pulls me into this glorious moment and the past and future vanish once more.

Love steve

Tug-of-War

The freedom I experience comes and goes on a regular basis. The to-ing and fro-ing is my ego fighting for survival. It's fighting for control. It wants to continue the relationship we've had for nearly half a century.

So ingrained is the relationship, so strong is it's hold, that my mind continues to push thoughts over the present until I am again lost in the past or concerned with the future.

My mind is trying to dominate. Body-consciousness reasserts itself and the ego demands attention.

It's a clear and direct action but it is less sustaining than it use to be. By this I mean the volume may be louder but the record is definitely shorter.

Many years of peering through the fog is starting to pay dividends. There is a space between me and my ego - me and my thoughts. I am aware of the minds activity - and it knows it.

It's exciting to watch my life unfold. Observing the old habits operating while suffering fades. The attachment breaking. No longer hanging on to one thought after the other. They pass me by - in and out and back to where they came from. From nowhere.

It's a revelation.